You Won't Find This
by Maybe an HEA Contest
Summary: Edward isn't happy with his life but will changing everything about it make him happy? And what about those left behind?


**Disclaimer: The author does not own any publicly recognizable entities herein. No copyright infringement is intended.**

EPOV

October 2013

"I'm sorry, what?" Her soft voice astounded.

I sighed and looked down at my clasped hands that were lying in my lap. I was hunched over my knees on the couch and she was in her worn arm chair that she wouldn't get rid of. She was a lot like that chair; comfortable and unassuming. When we first met in college, I liked that about her. She was calm in the face of chaos, but as the years wore on, I began to resent it. She was about two things: Work and home. She hardly ever wanted to go out and what friends she did have never wanted to leave the hospital.

I had begun going out without her. She said she didn't mind. She would rather be in bed curled up with a good book or medical journal.

But I was 28! I had never partied in high school because I wanted to get into a good college. I had never partied in college because I wanted to get into a good medical school. I had never partied in med school…well you get the picture.

And after seven years of being quiet and committed to Bella, I was ready to move on. I loved her, I really did, but I don't think I was in love with her anymore.

"I think that we should go our separate ways." I repeated.

I forced myself to look into her eyes and instantly wished I hadn't. Her pretty brown eyes, eyes I had gotten lost into numerous times, wore a thin sheen of liquid. She blinked rapidly so as to not let them fall. She never liked to show weakness.

"Why?" She whispered.

I faltered. How did I answer this? Did I tell her the truth? Did I tell her that I had met someone who made me feel alive, who made me feel free? Did I tell her that even though nothing had happened in the way of romance with this person that I was wanting it to? Or did I just tell her that I felt we had drifted apart and I needed space?

In the end, I didn't have to. I don't know what I was expecting. I didn't know how she would react.

But nothing, nothing, could prepare me for what happened.

She looked at me and nodded, realization dawning in her eyes. She looked away from me and took a deep breath and when she looked back at me, she wasn't crying, there was no sheen of tears in her eyes and she was smiling.

Smiling!

"Do you need help packing?" She asked.

"I…uh…no. I can do it." I stammered. Now I was the one astounded. Why wasn't she yelling, or throwing things? Why was she so calm?

"I don't mind." She said in her quiet way. She got up and moved gracefully through our…her…apartment. She reached into the closet and drug out our luggage. She laid the suitcases out on the bed, side by side and started digging through our dresser drawers. She packed pile upon pile in them as I watched.

"Aren't you going to help?" She asked, chuckling.

I blinked and then got to work. With both of us, we made short work of it. In just over an hour, everything that made this place ours, was erased. Now it was just hers.

She helped me lug my bags to my car. I closed the trunk and then looked at her. She wrapped her arms around herself to ward off the October chill, a bag hanging haphazardly over her shoulder.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Oh, it's for you. Just a few things to remind you of me." She said.

"I don't need anything to remind me of you. You have been in my life for seven years." I said.

"I know that." Our eyes locked in that moment until she shook her head. "Is everything good with your car? Tires good, gassed up?" She asked.

I smiled. She was so practical.

"Yes, my car is fine."

"There is a map in the glove compartment."

"Why would I need a map? I am not leaving Seattle."

She looked me straight in the eye.

"In case the route you take isn't there to take you back." She said.

"Okay…" I said, baffled. "I should go."

"You should." She agreed.

I nodded and opened my car door.

"I just want to say one thing and then I will let you go." She said, suddenly.

"Okay." I said, kindly. She needed closure. I would give her that. I owed her that.

"You can hold any girl that you like, you can fall in love with her, you can sleep with her, you can live with her, go to the movies and dinner with her, and at night, when it is dark, you will find it easy. But when you wake up next to her, you are going to wonder why she isn't something better, something more. You think that you should be partying, and living it up. You think that I am boring and quiet, and that's okay, I am. But one day, you are going to realize that you no matter how hard you search for it, you won't find this. You won't ever have what you and I have with someone else." She took a deep breath. "That's it. That's all I wanted to say."

She smiled.

"Goodbye Edward. Give my regards to Tanya." She said, turning her back to me and calmly walking away.

She knew. The whole time, she knew. And she let me go. Even if that is exactly what I wanted, I couldn't ignore the feeling like I had been punched in the gut.

"Goodbye Bella." I whispered.

That was the day I said goodbye.

I woke up, feeling slightly…off. I couldn't explain it. I hadn't even opened my eyes and everything felt different. I stretched and hit something warm and soft. I opened my eyes expecting to see warm brown locks.

Instead, they were red. I frantically looked around. This wasn't the room I was used to. There were no slate blue walls, no matching brown and blue down comforter. No desk in the corner.

No, this room was done in red and black, all silky and bold.

The woman this room belonged to was silky and bold. She was ice, to Bella's warmth.

I looked again at my sleeping partner. I had went to Joe's when I had left Bella's. I had been looking for a good time, a few drinks, a few laughs, her. I had been looking for Tanya, the woman that had made me question my life and what I wanted out of it. After a few drinks I told her I had left Bella.

She had smiled so brightly and somehow we had made it to her place. I was half drunk out of my mind, but not enough to where Bella's words didn't echo back at me.

You won't find this…

I had pushed it and her to the back of my mind. I had wanted to live, to really live, to experience life and Tanya was exactly what I felt I needed in order to do that. I had lost myself in her, trying not to focus on how different she was, how different being with her was, compared to Bella.

It was only normal to feel this way, to think this way. After all, Bella had been with me for so long, seven years.

But now I was with Tanya.

She stirred and rolled over to face me with a sleepy smile.

"Mornin'" She said, huskily.

"Morning." I said, smiling at her.

"Last night was incredible." She purred.

"Yeah…it was." I think.

"You know, you don't have to go live in some old hotel room. I have plenty of room here. You can stay with me, until you find your own place."

Did I want to do that? It certainly beat trying to find an affordable hotel.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yeah." She shrugged. "It will be fun."

"Yeah, fun." I said. I needed more fun in my life.

That was the day I moved on.

I was late. Which is not what you want to be when you are a surgeon. Saving lives is not something you can be late for.

And this was the fifth time this month I had been late.

Living with Tanya was fun, but she had one bathroom and she took forever to get ready. When I had placed my razor and things in the bathroom, I had been amazed at all she had on her counters; makeup, brushes, shampoos, conditioners, waxing items, tampons, shaving cream…the list goes on and on. I mean how much stuff does one woman need?

And the apartment was always a mess. She didn't know how to cook, so we ate out every night. She liked to talk…like a lot. Always chattering. I had learned to turn her out.

Anyway, I was late…again. Weber was going to have my ass.

"You're late."

I cringed and then whirled around to face my senior resident.

"What is your excuse this time? Your car wouldn't start? You overslept? The dog ate your alarm clock? Or my all-time favorite one, you forgot your way here. So which one is it?"

"I…"

"He was running an errand for me and it took longer than I thought it would."

I looked behind Weber to find Bella, looking tired but pretty, holding a chart in her arm.

Weber turned as well and scrutinized Bella in that way of hers that could make an innocent man confess to murder.

"Hmmph. Well next time plan your time more wisely," was all she said before she left.

I stared at Bella, feeling awkward.

"Um…thanks. You didn't have to do that, you know." I told her.

She blinked once then smiled.

"I know." She said casually. "See you around."

I found myself looking at her back…not having seen it, or her, since that night. The night I left.

"Wait!" I said. She turned around.

"Yes?"

"How've you been? Everything…good with you?" I asked lamely.

She smiled again.

"I have been good. You?" She asked.

I hesitated. Was I good?

"Yeah, really good." I said.

"I am so very glad. You need to be happy. I have to go. Work." She explained.

"Yeah. It was nice to see you and…thanks for…you know."

"I know. Bye."

That was the day I lied to her for the first time.

"I'm bored." Tanya complained, throwing herself on the bed.

I glanced at her from over the top of the medical journal I was reading.

"Okay?" I said.

"I wanna go do something."

"We do something every night. I am tired and I need sleep. If I am late one more time, Weber is going to hand me my ass on a platter. If Bella hadn't of saved me the other day…"

"Bella?" Tanya asked sharply. "What did Mousy do?"

"What did you just call her?" I asked, my tone just as sharp.

"Mousy. She is so…boring, Edward. You know this, it is why you left her, remember? Now you are acting like her. Not cool Edward." She complained.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"You are in here, reading a boring medical journal."

"I am a doctor. You know, it wouldn't hurt you to read this when I am done. Maybe that way Weber wouldn't have crawled your ass when you answered that simple question wrong." I chuckled.

"She just has it out for me." She sniffed. "Besides, I don't need that. I am independently brilliant."

"Sure you are." I teased, trying to get her and me in a better mood. Tanya in a bad mood included temper tantrums and her throwing things.

She ripped the journal away from me and pounced.

"You are so going to pay for that." She kissed and rubbed on me.

And I let her.

That was the day I started pretending.

"Cullen, you're with Swan." Weber ordered during rounds. I looked uneasily at Bella, but she didn't look fazed.

"Hey. Guess we are together. Well not together, together but we are…"

"Yeah, I got it." She laughed. She turned to walk down the hall and I scurried to catch up, fumbling with the chart.

"So we have…Mr. Davis Connelly, end stage brain cancer. Say here that all treatment has failed and he is pursing more options." I looked up from the chart. "Wonder why he isn't in Hospice? Why bring him here? We are surgeons, not oncologists. Besides it is in operable."

"Maybe they are not ready to give up. Maybe he has something to live for." She said.

"But if all treatment has failed…"

She stopped outside the patient door and looked at me.

"If it was you in that room, what would you do? Would you sit there waiting to die or would you do everything you could to live?"

I blinked in surprise. Bella was not a confrontational person but yet here she was…confronting me.

"Are you okay?" I asked, really looking at her. She had bags under her eyes, which in themselves were duller than usual. She was pale and she had lost weight. Weight she couldn't afford to lose. A pang ripped through my gut.

I had done this to her.

"Answer the question." She demanded.

"I would not stop until I had exhausted all efforts." I admitted.

"Okay then. Let's go in there and see what we can do." She said fiercely, opening the door.

That was the day I realized she wasn't as boring as I had thought.

We were sitting in Joe's, per usual, Tanya, James and I, knocking back our drinks. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bella walk in. I was surprised. Bella didn't normally frequent the bars…ever. She was with her best friend, Alice, her sister, Rose, and her two male friends, Jasper and Emmett. They made up the Surgical Dream Team as Weber called it. All over achievers and hard workers. I was a hard worker and a good surgeon but I knew when to leave work at work.

"Oh look. It's Team Weber." Tanya said snidely.

James glanced over too.

"Rose is looking fine these days…" He commented.

Tanya shot him a look.

"Are you serious? She is not. Though she is prettier than her sister, the bastard child of Renee Swan Dwyer." She snorted. "She is apparently going for the anorexia look these days."

"Watch it." I growled.

She looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh please, like you care. You left her for me remember. She was obviously lacking." She shrugged.

"Nothing about Bella Swan is lacking." I hissed and then I froze, because it was true. She was the embodiment of grace.

"Whatever. We'll see." She said, getting up with a malicious look on her face.

I grabbed her arm.

"If you do something to her, I will make sure you regret it." I told her in a deadly quiet voice.

She shrugged out of my grip and glared at me.

"I don't take kindly to threats." She warned.

"That is not a threat. That is a promise." I said calmly.

"Keep it up and you might not have a place to stay anymore." She threatened.

"He can stay with me." James interjected.

Tanya rolled her eyes and sat down with a huff.

"Fine. I will leave her alone." She said. "That better?" She asked me with an attitude.

I didn't answer. I just kept drinking.

That was the first day I started to regret my decision.

I walked up to the lunch room and was surprised to hear shouting. I saw a crowd surrounding a table in the corner of the room. I saw a flash of red hair and pushed my way through the ruckus, dread forming in my gut.

What I saw changed everything.

Bella, my Bella, was lying on the floor, surrounded by Rose and Jasper. Emmett was currently holding Alice back from lunging at Tanya who was smirking.

"What the hell happened?" I shouted.

Alice turned her murderous eyes towards me.

"You." She hissed. "You happened. You and your unrealistic expectations. You and your yearning to be free to do as you wished. Well now you are free, so nothing pertaining to Bella is any of your business. Now take your girlfriend out of here before I rip her fucking guts out."

I shrank back from her vile words and looked at Tanya.

"What did you do?" I asked.

"She came over and started taunting Bella, telling her she should have known you would never stick around with someone obviously not good enough for you. Which apparently, according to her, she is." Alice informed me.

"I simply offered my opinion on the matter." Tanya said.

"How did Bella end up on the floor? And why isn't she awake?" I took a step towards her, but stopped when Jasper glared at me.

"Hey, I didn't touch her!" Tanya defended.

I ignored her.

"Alice, what is going on?" I asked.

"Nothing." She said. "She hasn't felt good all day and this just didn't help. She is coming to. Please leave."

I saw Bella opening her eyes and trying to get up. My eyes met hers for a moment but she looked away.

Bella had never looked away from me before.

I led Tanya out of the room.

"What a drama queen." She said, laughing.

I spun around and faced her.

"This is over. I don't want anything more to do with you. I am getting my stuff out of your apartment and going to stay with James. You are a bitch and I deeply regret ever starting anything with you."

"Whatever. I can replace you in five minutes."

"Goodbye Tanya."

That was the day I said a goodbye that made me happy.

"Something's wrong." I said.

"Yeah, you have my luggage than a woman." James grunted as he threw my last suitcase on the floor by the bed in his guest bedroom.

"I mean with Bella." I said, sitting down.

"You heard Alice. She is fine. Probably has a flu bug."

"No, I know Bella. She hardly ever gets sick."

"We work in a hospital, Man. Besides if something was wrong, we would have heard it. Only thing that spreads faster than disease, is gossip in that place."

"Yeah, you're probably right. Thanks, for letting me stay."

"No problem. I am going to go to bed. Have the 4am shift tomorrow."

"Night." I said.

I flopped back on the bed and tried to piece together what I was feeling. I swiped my hands harshly over my face and groaned. I needed to unpack. My eyes fell on the shoulder bag. The one Bella had given me that night two months ago. I walked over and picked it up, taking it back to the bed with me.

For the first time, I opened it.

And inside I found us.

My favorite book, The Sun Also Rises. Bella had bought me the first edition copy for our first Christmas.

Movie tickets from our first date, Pirates of the Caribbean. She has a thing for Johnny Depp.

A flower in a zip lock bag, was red, now brown. It was from the day I asked her out.

The scarf she knit me. I use the term 'knit' lightly. It was falling apart in my hands.

The ballet ticket stubs. She had dragged me to it. I had enjoyed it more than she had.

Our final grades from med school with hers circled in red. She had beat my GPA by a .3. She gloated about it for years.

A hospital bracelet from my unfortunate motorcycle accident. She had rushed in my exam room and slapped me for making her worry. She told me that at least she made sure I wasn't dying before she did so.

The receipt from our first month's rent and deposit on our apartment.

Her Dartmouth T shirt. It had a hole in the neck and smelled of lavender. Just like her.

A coffee mug we stole from a diner we frequented. It was huge and I loved it and so she stole it for me one day.

A finger brace from where she had broken her middle finger, causing it to keep it raised so it always looked like she was flipping everyone off.

A pair of holey socks. I always teased her about them but she said they were soft.

A picture of us. She was in front of me and I had my arms thrown around her. We were smiling and the wind had splayed her hair across my face. We were beaming. We were happy.

Dishes, pictures and socks. Our whole life down to one box.

That song kept rushing through my mind. I couldn't even remember the band but I think the song was titled Already Gone.

She was gone. I had left her.

I was moving the bag when I heard a paper crinkle. I pulled it out.

It was a note.

Dear Edward,

I never thought this day would come. You have been my whole life for so many years and the thought of telling you goodbye terrifies me. But it must be done. You have so much more to live for and I can't drag you down. You have been drifting from me for a while now, craving something new and exciting and I can't say I blame you. Things have been strained for a while now and that is mostly my fault. I always knew you were a person who needed to live and lately I am not really able to do that.

So I am letting you go.

I hope you find someone who will love you as I have all this time. Someone who appreciates your sense of humor. Someone who enjoys the same activities you do. Someone who will give you a life. One I couldn't give you.

I hope you go on to be an amazing surgeon, more so than you are now. I hope that you have a family, have kids to call you Daddy and a wife to welcome you home with open arms. I hope that you always feel joy in your heart and satisfaction with your life.

But most of all, I hope you find peace within yourself.

With all my love,

Bella

She was going to let me go before I even decided to let her go. She was going to set me free anyway.

This was the day I cried.

"Bella! Open up! I will knock this damn door down!" I yelled, pounding on the door.

The door behind me opened up.

"She's not there."

I whirled around.

"Do you know where she is?" I asked, looking at Mrs. Cope.

"Ambulance came over three hours ago. She looked sick. Poor girl, she is such a sweet thing. Always baking me things and bringing them over," the elderly woman said.

It felt like my heart was squeezing my lungs. Without another word, I rushed to my car and headed towards the hospital.

"Bella Swan's room." I demanded to the nurse.

"Dr. Cullen, that has been asked to be kept private…"

"I don't care! Tell me or I promise I will make your career here a short one." I threatened.

"Edward!" Weber yelled.

I ran to her.

"Where is she?" I asked.

She looked at me closely.

"Damn Boy, you look like hell." She sighed. "She is in room 354 in the Oncology wing."

A sob burst out of me.

"No, no, no, no, no.." I chanted over and over again.

"Edward, get a grip. You cannot act like that around her. She needs to stay calm right now."

"I can't lose her."

"Seems to me you already did." She said.

"I was stupid. I didn't see what was right in front of me. I took her for granted." I heaved.

"Stop this!" She yelled. "You have to man up here or go home. I will not hesitate to kick your ass out of this hospital indefinitely."

I nodded.

"Let's go."

We rode the elevator in silence, with her standing in the front of it to let me calm down in private.

I stood outside her room, glancing in the window of the door. Rose was by her bedside, chatting away with a forced smile. Alice was pacing. Jasper and Emmett were sprawled in the chairs, drinking coffee and occasionally joining in the conversation. Bella was looking at them with tired eyes but the same serene smile on her face.

"They don't want me in there." I said aloud.

"Are you going to let that stop you?" She asked.

"No." I said, opening the door.

"You get out!" Alice hissed, shoving at me.

"No. I am here for Bella." I said.

"Now you want to be here for Bella? After throwing her away, after ignoring all the signs. Now Pretty Party Boy wants to be here. Take your fucking guilt and get the hell out." She screamed.

"Alice."

All the fight left her and I saw tears in her eyes before she blinked them back. She turned back to Bella.

"Fine. I am going to get something to eat. Rose come with me."

Rose nodded and as she passed by me, she squeezed my arm.

"McCarty, Whitlock, don't you have something to do?" Weber asked.

"No."

"Now you do. Come on." She demanded.

With grumbles, groans and glares directed at me, they left us alone.

I walked to her bedside and took the sight of her in.

She was as pale as the sheets she was wrapped in. Her eyes were sunken and she weighed maybe 90 pounds at the most. Her hair was limp. But her smile never left.

"Wh…I…how…" I gasped as I broke down, my knees hitting the floor. "Oh God, Bella."

I felt a light touch brush my hair. It was her hand.

"Shhh…" She said, as I clung to her. "It's okay."

"It's okay? How the fuck is this okay? You are…" I couldn't even say it.

"Dying." She supplied.

"No. No! I won't let you die." I stood up and grabbing her chart, started reading like a man possessed.

The words kept flashing at me, in bold.

Acute myelogenous leukemia (AML)

No HLA Match. Tested sisters, close personal friends.

Blood Type: AB negative - type proven difficult to match.

WBC - 54,000

Treatment: Induction Chemotherapy Feb 2 to March 8, 2010. Patient not in remission at this time.

UNOS Registry No. MG58312548 - Currently 128th on list.

I sat down in the seat previously occupied by Rose.

"How long?" I asked.

"I don't know. Soon." She said.

"That is not what I meant. You are not going to die! How long have you known?"

"Since last year."

"You said you were doing a month long seminar. You lied. You were getting chemo. Why didn't you tell me? I would have helped you!" I said.

"I tried. But you were already so discontent with our life. I didn't want you to stay because I was sick. That hasn't changed." She said.

"You think I am here because you are sick?" I asked.

"Yes. I do." She said.

"I am here in this hospital room because you are sick. But I was going to your apartment before I knew. I broke up with Tanya. I was wrong, so wrong. I found the bag. You…you," was all I could get out without choking up.

"I am the same old boring me, now there is just less of me and I look dreadful." She joked weakly.

"This is not funny!" I shouted.

"I have to laugh, Edward. I have to smile. I want everyone to remember me smiling, not whining about dying. I want them to smile when they think of me."

"We will, with you right here with us."

"You have read the chart Edward. I am 128th on that list. I was cursed with rare blood. I have taken the meds, I have done the chemo. I am tired." She said.

I shot out of my chair.

"No! I will not accept your defeat. Remember what you told me that day about that patient? About whether I would go home to die or fight until my last dying breath?"

"You said you would fight." She said.

"That's right. And I am going to fight. Fight with you to beat this. You can't give up. Not on this and not on us."

"I seem to remember you giving up on us as well. And maybe we were right. Maybe we are not meant to be with each other. Maybe this is God's way of showing us that. I think that you were meant to be with someone else in this life and maybe I threw that out of balance when we met. Maybe this is what fate has in store for us."

"Bullshit. I am just genetically wired to be stupid."

"Yeah." She agreed.

"Thanks." I said.

A silence washed over us.

"This doesn't change anything, Edward. I won't let you come back."

"You don't trust me, I get it. I will earn it back. I will make you love me again." I vowed.

Now it was her turn to cry.

"Oh Edward, I never stopped loving you, but you deserve more than a half deceased girlfriend. I won't hold you back. I did it long enough."

"You didn't hold me back. I held myself back. I was scared that life was passing me by, that I was getting older, but I realized that life is not worth living without you. I miss your quiet calm, your smile, your laugh, your eyes, your lips, I miss reading next to you in bed, I miss making love to you, and I miss hearing your heartbeat when I would fall asleep on your chest. I miss you."

"I can't. I'm sorry." She said.

"It's okay. I understand. But I am not leaving your side, no matter the outcome. Please fight this with me until you can't fight anymore. Please." I pleaded.

"I will try. But I am so very tired." She said.

"Sleep. I will be here when you wake up." I promised.

"Oh Alice is going to love that." She whispered, her eyes closing.

"It will be okay, I swear to you. I will make it all okay." I soothed her.

She fell asleep with a smile on her face.

That is the day I learned what love was all about.

"And you all tested?" I asked.

"Yeah, but we all knew it wasn't going to work. None of us are her blood type." Jasper answered.

"What about the rest of the hospital?" I asked.

Rose shook her head.

"Bella didn't want anyone to know, so it was just kept between us, her doctors, Weber, Chief and UNOS."

"Well the cat is out of the bag now, so why don't we do a hospital wide Donor search?" I suggested.

"Bella will hate that." Alice said, from across the room. That was the second thing she had said to me since she got back in the room. The first was "I still hate your guts and when this is over I will kill you."

"Just for now, can we please work together? Do you want her to die? Do you?" I asked.

I never imagined that the sight of Alice Brandon sobbing would do me in.

"We have to do what is necessary to save her. So I don't really care whether she likes it or not." Weber said, standing in the doorway. "I will put the word out."

I nodded, unable to speak.

So plans began for the Bella Swan Marrow A Thon. I didn't think up the name, I just put everything I had into it.

Bella was having very few good days, sleeping more than not. She still kept a smile on her face and we had to keep on top of her pain level as she would not complain a bit. I just have to say that Bella on Morphine is funny as hell and we all needed the laughter with our grim reality facing us.

People lined up to get tested, even those who knew it wouldn't make a difference but maybe could for someone else.

After a week, we went city wide. We found seven AB negative blood types but none had the typing match we needed for it to be a success.

Week two had me worried. She was fading and fading fast. I began to wonder if she was right.

If fate didn't have another plan for us.

But I put that all aside as I gave her my all, like I should have done from the beginning.

When she was awake we would talk about anything and everything. I was falling in love with her all over again.

Week three, her hair started falling out, as a result from her ailing body. I shaved her head and then promptly had Alice shave mine, much to her delight and Bella's horror.

"Your hair!" She gasped.

I scoop up a handful of it and put it in a baggy for her.

"I want to be buried with that." She gasped weakly.

We all stopped laughing and changed the subject.

But I couldn't put off the fact that she was dying. And despite our best efforts, it might happen.

I couldn't even begin to contemplate a life without her.

But then it looked like I didn't have to.

"We have a match!" Weber yelled.

We all came to attention with a chorus of what's and who's.

"You did?" Bella asked, too weak to lift her head.

"Yes, we did. We are scheduling the procedure for three. The donor is being taken in for extraction now."

"Oh wow." She said.

My thoughts exactly.

That is the first day I felt blessed.

"What's wrong?" I asked, as I followed Weber out of the room. The first time I had been out of it in a week.

"The donor wishes to speak with you. She is in procedure room five."

I walked wearily to the room, gowned up and went in.

"Hello I am Edw… Tanya?" I gasped.

"Hi." She said softly, dressed in a standard paper hospital gown.

"You? You're the donor?" I asked.

"Yeah. Who would have thought, huh? The ex-girlfriend saving the new slash old girlfriend. Reeks of a soap opera doesn't it?"

"She's not my girlfriend." I said.

"She will be. She loves you."

"How do you know?"

"She told me. That day…I was being so hateful but she just smiled so kindly and said that I need to make you happy. But I couldn't because you were only happy with her, you just didn't know it."

"I know it now." I said.

"Good. I just wanted you to know who I was, but I don't want her to know."

"Why?"

"Would you want the girl your guy left you for to be your bone marrow donor?"

"Probably not." I said.

"Well I need to be poked by a fifty foot needle now. So go be with her."

"Okay…Tanya?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you." I cleared my throat.

"You're welcome Edward. And I am sorry it didn't work out with us."

"I know this sounds ungrateful, but I'm not."

"Yeah, I didn't think you were." She mused.

"Goodbye, Tanya."

"Goodbye, Edward and good luck."

That was the day I believed in miracles.

"Where have you been?" Alice asked. She was standing outside Bella's room. They all were.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Prepping her." Jasper said.

"I asked you a question." Alice prodded.

"The donor wanted to talk to me." I admitted quietly.

That got everyone's attention.

"Who is it?"

"What did they want?"

"Did they back out?"

"Do we know them?"

I held up my hands.

"They wanted to talk to me, no they are not backing out, yes you do and no, I am not telling you. The Donor wants to remain anonymous and I will respect their wishes."

Alice opened her mouth to protest.

"Please Alice, isn't it enough that Bella is going to live?" I asked.

She nodded, then sighed.

"Yeah, it is." She said.

Weber exited the room and we all looked up.

"She wants to see you, Edward. But make it quick. You all know that once we administer the bone marrow she will need to be in quarantine."

I looked at everyone, feeling guilty about taking up their time. They all had been there when I hadn't.

"Go. We already said what we needed to say." Alice said.

I nodded and entered Bella's room.

"Hi." She smiled.

I looked her over. Her bald head, her too thin frame, drowning in her hospital gown, but her eyes were all war, brown and her ever present smile rested on her gaunt face.

"Hey."

"Come here." She said.

I walked over to her and sat on the side of her bed.

"Well, this is it." She whispered.

"Yeah, it is. I know this is not the time or place but I have something I need to say to you."

"Oh?" She looked worried.

"I told you so." I smirked.

She groaned.

"We don't even know if this is going to work."

"It will."

"How can you be so sure, Edward?"

"For the first time in my life, I am at peace. I just…know. Faith is a funny thing." I said.

"It is." She said. "I just want to say that…"

"No. No good byes." I said sternly.

"Let me finish." Frustration colored her voice.

"Sorry."

"I just wanted to say thank you. These last few weeks have been so hard, and you didn't leave. I don't think you even left the hospital at all."

"That doesn't even begin to make up for what I have done." I interrupted.

"Shhh! Your leaving saved us."

"Come again?" I asked, confused.

"I think we needed that time apart. I needed to spare you from seeing me like that. From resenting me, for feeling like you had to stay. You needed to have the chance to see life from another angle. We needed to remember why we were ever together in the first place. We know now. We know that what we have is special. Something worth fighting for."

"It is. I am so sorry I ever doubted it." I choked out.

"You weren't the only one. I didn't trust you to love me the way I needed."

"But I left you."

"You just beat me to it."

"After you get better, where does that leave us?" I asked.

"I don't know. Why don't we just take it one day at a time?" She asked.

I didn't like that but if that is what she wanted, I would do it.

"Okay."

I heard a knock at the door. It was time for her to head to the sterile procedure room.

All of a sudden it seemed I couldn't breathe. What if's started to float through my mind in rapid succession.

"Edward, just in case something happens…" She trailed off.

"I love you too. I always have, I just got lost along the way." I told her, my voice shaking.

"Me too." The orderlies came in. "See ya." She said, with a weak smile.

They started to roll her out, leaving me there in an empty room.

"See ya." I whispered.

That was the day I knew she was my lifetime.

3:30

4:15

5:05

5:32

5:49

6:12

Time passed so slowly with no word. I made a vow to update my patient's family much more rapidly in the future. Now that I was the patient's family.

I looked around at the crowded waiting room. Word had spread, as it tended to do here at Seattle Grace, and doctors and nurses alike were keeping vigil. Some just stopping by in between cases, or as they began their shifts, but it was always a room full of people all encouraging us and telling us their Bella stories.

In my ignorance, I guess I didn't realize how many lives she touched on a daily basis. Another thing I needed to atone for.

"You know, when I am wrong, I admit that I am wrong." Alice said aloud.

I looked over at her. I was hunched over my seat, my hands clasped and it didn't escape my attention that I had been in this position when I had told her I was leaving and now, here I was in this position, as I waited for her life to be saved so I could have a future with her.

The irony wasn't lost on me.

"You, wrong? Never." I said half-heartedly.

"Yeah, it does happen rarely." She smiled and then it was quickly gone. "She thought if she told you, you would jump ship anyway, so she was going to leave first. I think that she felt she wouldn't be as upset if she was the one to end things. Then you left her and I just, I hated you. I know you didn't know what was going on. I tried to get her to tell you, but she didn't want you to be obligated. She wanted you to love her but not under duress. I thought you should have seen the signs."

"I should have." I said.

"But these last few weeks…you haven't left her. Hell you shaved your head! You made her laugh. Even if it goes bad, we all have a way to remember her in a way that will make us feel better, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. What if she does…die?" I choked out.

"I don't know." Alice said with a shuddering breath.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up, seeing James. He sat down.

"Did you take care of that?" I asked.

"Yeah."

I had asked him to help Tanya home. I couldn't leave but I didn't want her to have to do it on her own. I knew he would keep the secret.

"Thanks."

"Anytime."

Someone ordered several pizzas but I couldn't force myself to eat.

Finally the crowd thinned out, only leaving Alice, Rose, Jasper, Emmett, James and I waiting.

I looked at my watch.

2:15am

Almost twelve hours since I had last seen her. I hated the not knowing.

Footsteps echoed off in the room and we all stood at attention. Weber had her mask on and her eyes were expressionless.

I searched her face for any clues but found nothing.

"Weber?" I choked out.

She ripped her mask off.

"It looks good. Looks really good." She said.

The sound of relief was palpable in that room that night. I should have been jumping up and down like Rose, laughing like Alice, smiling like Emmett, Jasper and James, but instead I found myself crumpled to the floor, sobbing like a man possessed.

Every sob punctuated every moment I had spent with this woman. Every laugh, every smile, every tear, every minute away from her, all cumulating to this moment that could have turned out so differently.

"Edward? Look at me. Did you hear me? She's is going to be fine. It is going to take some recovery and healing, but she is going to be with us for a very long time." Weber said, running her hand over my bald head.

I nodded at her.

"I heard. I just…"

"Relief is a powerful emotion." She said, understanding immediately.

"When can I see her?" I asked.

"You know the rules. Probably not for another 24 hours. It is for her safety."

I nodded. I knew that. I was a doctor. But it that moment, I was a man who needed to be reassured that the woman I loved was okay.

"I just need to see her, even if it through a window."

Weber nodded.

"Okay, but you need to go wash up your face. And eat. And take a shower! You smell like day old ass." She demanded.

I laughed stiltedly.

I looked at everyone, expecting lots of raised eyebrows and stifled laughter. Instead I found understanding and some tears of their own.

We all loved her.

I did as Weber ordered and made my way an hour later to her room. I looked through the window at her frail sleeping figure. I would have to fatten her up, get her a scarf, or a wig, whatever she needed to get better, to feel better. I looked at my own bald figure in the reflection the window cast, smiling. I looked like a young Mr. Clean but I didn't miss my hair. I had done it for her. I put my hand up to the window, wishing I was touching her instead.

In all due time.

That was the day I knew I now lived my life for another.

"Come on, just try." I begged.

She looked at me with growing frustration.

"It's just Jell-O. It's strawberry, your favorite." I said, smiling encouragingly.

She had woken up a week ago with, you guessed it, a smile. She was still so weak, not able to walk yet, and hating her catheter with a passion she usually only reserved for reality shows.

But she couldn't get stronger without sustenance and the IV fluids only did so much. So I took it upon herself to get her to eat.

I don't remember Bella being so stubborn…

"It makes me feel nauseous." She complained.

"Because you haven't eaten solid food in over a month. But you have to, please, for me." I pleaded.

She opened her mouth obligingly.

And not two minutes later, she threw it up.

I forced myself not to panic. This was normal. She would get past this. It would just take time. That was what the doctor in me said.

The man in love in me said she needed to eat and keep it down now.

"I'm sorry." She said, miserably.

"Hey! None of that. You are here. I don't need anything else." I said.

She smiled at me and then drifted off.

I sat down the left over Jell-O and did some thinking. What could I get her to eat that she would keep down?

I pulled out my phone and dialed a number that was previously unused for the last few months.

"Mom?"

After a very long, very drawn out conversation that had her listening and gasping more than once, she gave me a few recipes that she had used when her mother had cancer. It was supposed to be easy on the stomach and tasty enough to want to eat.

"Thanks Mom."

"I can't believe you told us about Bella. She is like my daughter, Edward! What the hell is wrong with you two?"

"I didn't know until a month ago myself."

"Why the hell not?" Oh she was good and mad.

"I left her."

"Oh Edward." And now she was disappointed.

"I know, I'm stupid. But I am here now and I am not leaving ever again. Thanks for the recipe. I will get someone to prepare it now."

"I will see you two in a few days." She said.

"Mom…"

"Not a word, Edward."

I hung up and sighed.

"In trouble with your mother, huh?" Rose asked, standing in the doorway.

"Yeah, no one called her. She gave me a few recipes for Bella to try."

She took them and read and then started to leave.

"I need those."

"I am going to make them. They should refrigerate well. Besides you can't cook. I can."

She had a point.

Bella was awake when Rose came back.

"More food?" She asked, making a face.

"Just try it. I think you will be surprised."

She took it and then look at us.

"What is it? It looks like baby poop."

Yeah, it kind of did.

"It's called Savory Split Pea Soup. Just try it, please." Rose pleaded.

Bella nodded and I helped her take a bite.

"Not bad." She said, eating more.

It stayed down.

Over the next few days she ate Carrot and Orange Soup, Pureed Chicken Soup, Beet Soup, Smoky Sage Lentil Soup and her personal favorite, Squash Soup. She kept all down and we all were thrilled. She was getting stronger, every single day.

Week three, she was strong enough to sit up without help and today they were removing her catheter. It all made for a demanding though happy Bella. Only person who didn't drive her nuts was Mom, who was the one making all the soup for her now that she was here. She was staying in Bella's apartment while she was here.

"Okay, everyone out." Weber said. Jasper, who was off today, happily took off. They all took turns coming up and sitting with Bella, though I was here all the time. I had taken a leave of absence for work and no one had tried to stop me. I was a little worried about our finances but Mom said she would help out.

"Come on, Edward." Mom said, putting her knitting away and standing up.

"I'm staying." I said.

"Edward, she doesn't want you here to see a nurse take something out of her lady business." Mom protested.

"Ma, I am very familiar with her 'lady business'." I said.

Bella laughed.

Mom and I looked over at Bella with big smiles. Yes, Bella had smiles and was getting stronger but I hadn't heard her laugh in so long. It made my heart grow three sizes too big.

"It's fine." She said.

"Okay then. I will be back later." Mom said, leaving.

Five minutes later, had me helping Bella to the bathroom, something she was way too excited about.

"It's just being able to pee on your own, ya know?" She had said.

No, I didn't but I appreciated her enthusiasm anyway.

She had emerged from the bathroom with a huge accomplished smile and I had been unable to resist laughing at her. She swatted my chest.

"Oh shut up, Baldy." She joked.

"Hey, I resemble that remark." I teased back.

I helped her get into bed.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"Honestly?"

I nodded.

"Better than I ever thought I would be right now, but then again, I thought I would be dead, so…" She shrugged.

I shuddered, thinking how close I had come to losing her.

"Well that was the past, so no more dwelling on it."

"Right." I nodded.

"No, I mean it. What happened then, we don't need to keep revisiting it. It serves no purpose."

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"You keep apologizing for leaving me."

"I know I do, I am sorry. I just want you to forgive me."

"Oh Edward, there was never anything to forgive. You only did what I didn't have the guts to do. It is time for you to forgive yourself. Or we will never be able to move on." She said softly, her hand grazing my stubbly cheek.

I blinked.

Was she right? Did I really loathe myself?

Yes, I decided, I did.

"I don't know if I can." I said to her.

"You have to or we don't stand a chance. Because every time you do something nice for me, or every time you say something sweet, or every day I wake up to you, I think you are doing it not because you love me, but because you feel guilty. I can't live like that."

"You don't think I love you?" I asked.

She hesitated.

"Jesus Christ Bella! You think I am here because I feel guilty? I almost lost you…forever. You almost died! How do you think that made me feel? I was scared out of my mind thinking you were going to die from a disease you didn't feel the need to tell me about! You were sick for months. Months! And you kept me in the dark! Did you not think I could handle it? Did you think I would bail? Oh wait, I did! I am just…"

"Wait, are you mad at me?" Bella asked, incredulously.

I stopped to think about that for a minute.

I was. I was pissed off at her.

"Yes, I am. I am so fucking angry at you I could choke you." I told her and I felt instantly better.

She looked at me, blinking before she burst into laughter.

"Why are you laughing? This isn't funny."

"Yes, yes it is. I don't think you should be mad at me about not telling you about my illness and you are. And you think I should be mad about you leaving me, but I'm not. How is that for fucking irony?" She pointed out.

I started chuckling.

"We are quite a pair." I stated, shaking my head ruefully.

"Yes, yes we are." She said softly. "You know what I said about fate and that maybe we weren't meant to be together?"

I sobered up.

"Yeah."

"I think I was wrong."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She nodded.

"I'm glad you were wrong." I moved closer to her and wrapped my arms around her, settling my head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat.

"Me too."

"Hey Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"I didn't need that map in the glove compartment after all."

"You didn't?" I could hear her smile.

"No, I knew my way home because my home has always been with you. It just took me a while to see that. And you were right about one thing."

"What was that?"

"No matter where I went, I would never have this with anyone else."

"Edward?"

"I think you just forgave yourself." She said.

"I think you're right."

That was the day I started living.

October 2015

"I had a dream once. Well it was a nightmare really. I dreamed that you were gone and that I was alone. I was miserable and terrified and lost and no matter where I looked I couldn't find you, but then I woke up and there you were, in my arms, where you belong. One time that nightmare almost became a reality and I realized that life is short and precious and should never be taken for granted. And I haven't, not in the three years since then. We have come a long way and I am confident that this day is an ending of one era and the beginning of another. A wonderful bright future filled with love, warmth and soon, a child to call us Mommy and Daddy. So it is with a sure heart and a sound mind that I pledge my everlasting love, faith, and trust to you, my wife. With this ring, I thee wed." '

I slipped the ring on her finger and looked deeply into her warm, teary eyes.

She was as breathtaking as ever. Looking at her you couldn't tell she had ever been sick a day in her life. We still had doctor's visits but she was in complete remission.

Three months ago, her oncologist had shared big news with us. My Bella was pregnant. We hadn't even been trying, as we had just become engaged. But we just laughed and cried and moved our wedding up. We moved into a nice three bedroom home in the suburbs and I had bought her a family car. We were doing well in our careers after taking a yearlong leave of absence. We had taken the time to rediscover each other and were more in love now than before.

I was so engaged in her eyes I didn't hear the minister say the words.

"Edward."

"What?"

"You can kiss me now." She smiled.

"Oh!"

Ignoring the laughs I gathered her into my arms, bent her backwards and planted a kiss on her she would never forget. She breathlessly laughed as I brought her back up.

"It is my supreme honor to introduce to you for the first time to Drs. Edward and Bella Cullen. What God has joined together, let no man put asunder."

Looking at my wife I knew…

This day was the first day of the rest of my life.


End file.
